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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30034269">Living in the World (Ain’t Easy to Do)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/velvetjinx/pseuds/velvetjinx'>velvetjinx</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bucky Barnes Has Panic Attacks, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Canon Divergence - Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Family Feels, Guns, Healing, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Bucky Barnes, Recovery, Spiders, Therapy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 10:33:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,188</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30034269</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/velvetjinx/pseuds/velvetjinx</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>From Romania to New York, Bucky is learning how to be a person again. With help from Steve and a stray cat called Alpine, he just might make it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Bucky Barnes Bingo 2021</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Written for Bucky Barnes Bingo 2021!</p>
    </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Written for square Y2!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sometimes, Bucky could hear Steve’s voice in his head. </p><p>“<em>I’m with you ‘til the end of the line</em>.”</p><p>It echoed around his mind, even the mattress too soft as he moved to lie on the hard floor of his Romanian apartment. </p><p>When the stray cat showed up on his balcony, he looked at it curiously. It seemed to be white under the dust from wherever it had slept. He put some of the meat from the stew he’d made into a bowl, and offered it to the cat. It approached him, cautious but clearly hungry, and sniffed at the offering, before wolfing down the food. </p><p>It showed up every day after that, and he fed it. The first day it let him stroke its soft fur, he had to blink back tears. </p><p>The cat seemed to decide he was its person, and refused to leave. Bucky found he didn’t mind at all. Turned out she was a girl, and she allowed him to wipe the dirt off her with a damp cloth before taking matters into her own paws. He named her Alpine—she needed a name, and it made him think of the mountains in which he fought with Steve during the war—and she soon learned it. </p><p>As he lay on the hard floor with a pillow under his head, Alpine on his chest and gun within reach, he wondered how long the peace and quiet would last. </p><p>He came home one day from the market to find Steve sitting on the floor, Alpine on his lap. Steve put a finger up to his lips. </p><p>“She’s sleeping.”</p><p>“What are you doing here?”</p><p>Steve said nothing for a few moments, hand rhythmically stroking Alpine from nose to tail. </p><p>“I figured I’d look my old friend up while I was in the neighborhood,” Steve said at length. </p><p>“You never could lie worth shit.”</p><p>That made Steve smile. “Not to you, anyway. Buck… It’s time to come home.”</p><p>Bucky tensed. “This is home now.”</p><p>“Sleeping on hardwood floors with your gun?”</p><p>“Alpine sleeps on my chest too,” Bucky muttered. </p><p>Steve’s expression softened. “Alpine will come with us. You belong at home, Buck. You belong with <em>me</em>, if… if you want.”</p><p>Bucky sighed and strode over to where Steve was sitting, dropping down to sit cross-legged beside him. “Home, huh?”</p><p>Steve’s smile was like the sun coming out after the rain. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Written for square Y3!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“It’s not your fault.”</p>
<p>Bucky couldn’t help but stare at the damage for which he knew he alone was responsible. </p>
<p>“Steve, I…”</p>
<p>“You didn’t mean to do it.”</p>
<p>Bucky shook his head. “I know. But I did it.”</p>
<p>He could hear Alpine mewling pitifully from behind the closed door as he stared at the broken vase, fragments strewn across the floor, and sighed. </p>
<p>“I’d better clean it up before she starts destroying the sofa again.”</p>
<p>“I’ll help.”</p>
<p>Bucky bent down, heart heavy as he began to pick up the larger pieces. “I’m so sorry, Steve. I know it was important to you.”</p>
<p>Steve shot Bucky a quizzical look. “Wait, what?”</p>
<p>“Wasn’t it your mom’s?”</p>
<p>“No?” Steve’s expression cleared. “No, she had one like it, but I got this at Bed, Bath, and Beyond before I found you again. I can replace it.”</p>
<p>Bucky felt almost dizzy with relief. “Oh thank god.”</p>
<p>“Wait.” Bucky looked up to see Steve staring at him with wide eyes. “You remember a vase my mom had? Does that mean…?”</p>
<p><em>Dammit</em>. “My memory started coming back a little while after I pulled you from the river. There’s still some stuff missing, but I remember, uh. Enough.”</p>
<p>Steve blushed, his fair skin turning a mottled red. “So, uh. You remember other stuff?”</p>
<p>Bucky took a deep, steadying breath and gathered his courage, looking Steve straight in the eyes. “Enough to wonder if you still look the same under that shirt.”</p>
<p>Steve held his gaze, breaking it only as he hauled the shirt over his head. His dog tags shone, hanging at the top of those perfect pecs, and Bucky couldn’t help as his gaze travelled down, down, to his ridiculously defined inguinal creases. Steve cleared his throat, and Bucky snapped, crossing the short distance between them in a single heartbeat. </p>
<p>“See something you like?” Steve murmured. </p>
<p>Bucky reached out, running his thumb over Steve’s left hipbone, making him shudder. “What’s say we shut Alpine in the living room for the rest of the afternoon and take this to the bedroom?”</p>
<p>Steve nuzzled the side of Bucky’s nose, keeping their lips a scant inch apart. “We can always buy a new sofa.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Written for square Y4–outsider POV. Written from Natasha’s POV.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Natasha prided herself on being the best spy the world had ever seen. She could get any secret from any individual, in a variety of ways. She was, quite frankly, the best. </p>
<p>Except. </p>
<p>Except she could not, for the life of her, figure out what Bucky Barnes had been to Steve Rogers. She knew Rogers loved him—was <em>in love</em> with him. That much was clear. But whether the love had been requited or not? She couldn’t get a read at all. </p>
<p>Even once they found Barnes, Rogers kept himself at a distance, making her think that maybe Barnes didn’t love him back in the same way. And yet… There were moments when Barnes would look at Rogers, when Rogers’s attention was elsewhere, that made her think that perhaps there was a bit of mutual pining going on. They certainly didn’t seem like they were together, either past or present tense. </p>
<p>Barnes was staying with Rogers in his new Brooklyn apartment. A bit of snooping discovered Barnes’s stuff in the spare room. She could have snooped further, but weirdly it didn’t feel right. Rogers’s trust was already fragile. She didn’t want to break it. </p>
<p>Two months after they’d brought Barnes home, she dropped in on them unexpectedly. Rogers smirked at her, and she narrowed her eyes as she followed him inside. </p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“You usually call when you’re coming over,” he chided her, his tone at odds with the shit eating grin plastered over his face. “Trying to catch us doing something we shouldn’t?”</p>
<p>Barnes stalked up behind Rogers, wrapping his arms around his waist and kissing the back of his neck. “I think she’s just being nosy. Aren’t you, Romanoff?”</p>
<p>She stared at them, her brain processing this new information. “What…?”</p>
<p>“Before you say anything, it was Steve’s idea,” Barnes said with a laugh, nuzzling under Rogers’s ear. “He knew you’d been trying to figure us out. Thought it would be funny to mess with you.”</p>
<p>She tamped down on her rising temper. “You deliberately hid this?”</p>
<p>Rogers shrugged, hands clasped over Barnes’s as he leaned back into his touch. “You think I didn’t know that you were trying to get a read on me? On us? If you’d just asked me I would have told you. Bucky and I have been together since I was sixteen. I mean, the first week or so he was back, I didn’t want to push. I didn’t know how much he remembered.”</p>
<p>“How could I forget you?” Barnes murmured, low enough that Natasha wasn’t sure she was supposed to hear. “You’re Steve.”</p>
<p>Rogers’s smile softened. “So the next time you want to know something about me, just ask. I trust you not to keep digging if I tell you it’s none of your business.”</p>
<p>Natasha let out a long breath. “Okay. Point taken. No more snooping. It’s not easy for me, though, you know, Rogers.”</p>
<p>“I know.” Rogers disentangled himself from Barnes and walked over, holding out his hand. “But how about we start with you calling me Steve?”</p>
<p>She frowned, then shook Rogers’s—Steve’s—hand. “Okay, Steve.”</p>
<p>Steve looked delighted. “Sit down. I’ll make us some of that awesome coffee, and we’ll bore you with stories of the 1930s.”</p>
<p>Natasha laughed. “Sounds great.” She sat on the chair, letting the other two sit together on the sofa, and they drank coffee and swapped stories until their stomachs rumbled. As Steve ordered them pizza, Bucky lying with his legs over Steve’s lap, she smiled to herself. Learning to trust was hard, but there were no better people to learn with than these two. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Written for square Y5–BINGO #2!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Buck!”</p>
<p>Bucky recognised that tone—it was Steve’s ‘shit, I’m in trouble’ tone. He didn’t even think; he grabbed his nearest gun and ran toward the bedroom, screeching to a halt as he got inside and saw Steve crouching on the bed, looking at the floor. </p>
<p>He looked up as Bucky arrived. </p>
<p>“Buck, why do you have one of your guns?”</p>
<p>Bucky looked around. “What’s wrong? Why did you shout?”</p>
<p>“Oh!” Steve shook his head, looking nervous. “Spider. On the floor.”</p>
<p>Bucky stared at him. “A spider.”</p>
<p>“It was really big!”</p>
<p>Bucky rolled his eyes heavenward and put the gun down on top of the chest of drawers. “Alright. Where is it?”</p>
<p>“I think it went under the bed,” Steve whined, hugging a pillow close to his chest. </p>
<p>Sighing, Bucky looked around, spotting a black spider about the size of a penny cowering beside one of the legs of the bed. “Pass me the empty glass from my side,” he said, glancing around for some paper—ah. The postcard from Sam’s recent family vacation would do. </p>
<p>Steve handed him the glass before returning to the head of the bed, and Bucky trapped the spider, using the postcard underneath to trap it inside. He took it over to the bedroom window and shook it out the glass onto the street below. </p>
<p>“There we go. If it survives the fall it’ll be fine,” he said ruefully. </p>
<p>“You could have just vacuumed it up,” Steve muttered. </p>
<p>Bucky shook his head. “No way, not a little spider. It was just looking for somewhere warm.”</p>
<p>Steve looked at him for a moment, considering, then got up off the bed. He gathered Bucky in his arms and kissed him. </p>
<p>“Sap,” he murmured against Bucky’s lips. </p>
<p>“Yeah, but I’m <em>your </em>sap.”</p>
<p>“Damn right.” They smiled at each other, and Bucky’s heart thudded in his chest. “Thank you for saving me.”</p>
<p>“Always, Steve,” Bucky replied. “Always.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Written for square K4 of my Bucky Barnes Bingo 2021 card!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bucky paused outside the alley, frowning. Steve, who had taken a few steps before realizing Bucky had stopped, turned around and walked back to him. </p>
<p>“You okay, Buck?”</p>
<p>Bucky shook his head. “It’s just… I remember this alley. Behind the old picturehouse. It’s where…” </p>
<p>“I remember.” Steve’s expression was impassive. “I was in the middle of a fight and you found me, wearing your uniform.”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” Bucky could hear the tightness in his own voice, and Steve put his hand on Bucky’s left arm. Bucky could feel it, a muted touch on the metal. </p>
<p>“I thought you’d leave and I’d never get you back. I didn’t know how right I was.” Steve’s voice was quiet, with an underlying tremor. The grip on Bucky’s arm tightened almost imperceptibly, and Bucky took a deep breath. </p>
<p>“Hey.” Bucky took a deep breath. “I’m here now. I’m here, and we’re okay.”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” Steve squeezed Bucky’s arm, then let go. “Waffles?”</p>
<p>Bucky nodded. “Waffles.”</p>
<p>He took a deep breath and turned away from the alley, trying not to think too much about times gone past as they walked to the diner. </p>
<p>When they arrived and were seated, the waiter fawned slightly over Steve and gave Bucky dirty looks when Steve held his hand over the table. Bucky responded by taking off his glove and surreptitiously flexing his metal hand. The waiter’s eyes widened and he scurried off with their drink orders. </p>
<p>Steve hid a smile. “What are you thinking?”</p>
<p>“Waffles, side of bacon and syrup. You?”</p>
<p>“You know what I mean.” Steve’s tone was patient. </p>
<p>“I guess I just wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t gone into the war.”</p>
<p>Steve’s smile tightened. “Come on, Buck. You know what would have happened. I would have died young from a fever, you would have married some dame to keep up appearances and had a couple of kids. There wouldn’t have been a happily ever after for us. Things sucked, and I’m sorry you went through what you went through, but… At least now I can do this and no one says anything.” </p>
<p>Steve kissed the back of Bucky’s hand softly, and Bucky blushed. “Yeah. Maybe you’re right.”</p>
<p>The waiter came back with their coffee, and soon they were eating their hot waffles. </p>
<p>“You know I’ve been going to therapy for a couple of years,” Steve said suddenly. “Maybe it’s something you might want to think about.”</p>
<p>“Maybe.” Therapy, as Steve had described it, sounded like it might help. But Steve was right. Things hadn’t always been great, but they were here now. </p>
<p>Maybe things had worked out for the best. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Written for my free square (C3) of my bucky Barnes bingo 2021 card!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bucky sat in the waiting room, nervously fidgeting with his gloves, leg bouncing. Steve placed a steadying hand on the bouncing leg and smiled gently at him. </p>
<p>“Buck, it’ll be okay.” </p>
<p>Bucky gave a sharp nod. “I know,” he lied. He’d had an introductory meeting with Dr Cowie—“call me Mairi”—and she had signed as many confidentiality forms as they could create. </p>
<p>She was a no-nonsense woman with a brusque Scottish accent (she told him she was from Edinburgh; Bucky confessed he wouldn’t have known the difference), who looked piercingly yet kindly at Bucky over her glasses when he entered the room. </p>
<p>“So tell me about yourself, Bucky.” They’d established in their introduction that she was not to call him James; she had accepted it and moved on with an ease that had surprised him. </p>
<p>“Where do you want me to start?”</p>
<p>She smiled at that. “How about five facts? They can be anything at all.”</p>
<p>Bucky thought for a moment. “My birthday’s in March, so sometimes it snowed that day when I was a kid. I take my coffee black. It’s nice to live in a time where I can hold Steve’s hand in public. My apartment in Romania was awful, but it’s all I thought I deserved. My sister’s name was Rebecca.”</p>
<p>Mairi frowned. “Was?”</p>
<p>“I…” Bucky swallowed. “I’d assumed she was gone, like everyone else.”</p>
<p>“Oh.” Mairi’s gaze was shifty. It was subtle, but it was there. </p>
<p>“Do you know something I don’t?” Bucky could feel his heart pounding, his mouth dry. </p>
<p>Mairi took a deep breath. “Rebecca is 89 years old, and living in a home in Brooklyn.”</p>
<p>Bucky’s vision began to gray out as his breathing quickened. “I…” </p>
<p>He could vaguely hear footsteps over the sound of blood rushing in his ears, then suddenly Steve was there, saying his name, over and over. </p>
<p>“Becca,” Bucky gasped out. “Becca’s alive.”</p>
<p>“It’s okay, Buck. You’ve only been back for a couple of months. We’ll find her. I guess we both assumed—I looked for her, when I was first out the ice, but I guess she got married, and I didn’t know her married name.”</p>
<p>Bucky nodded, swallowing some ice cold water from a plastic cup that was pressed into his hands. “I need to see her.”</p>
<p>Mairi’s expression was pinched, apologetic. “I’m sorry, Bucky. If I’d known…”</p>
<p>Bucky shook his head. “No, it’s okay. Thank you. Thank you.”</p>
<p>“Okay.” Mairi nodded. “I think we’ll close the session for today. I think you need to go home, take stock, and figure out what you want to do next. If you even want to come back.”</p>
<p>Bucky looked up at her, eyes narrowed. “You didn’t lie.”</p>
<p>“Hmm?”</p>
<p>“You didn’t lie to me.” He stood, legs a little shaky, leaning on Steve’s arm. “I’ll be back for our next session.”</p>
<p>He held out his hand, and she shook it, smiling. “Good luck. Her name is Rebecca Proctor now. She’s at this address.” She handed him a piece of paper. “I’ll see you next time.”</p>
<p>“Thank you.” The words felt weak, given what she’d done for him. </p>
<p>Steve took him straight home. “When do you want to go?” he asked, once Bucky was settled on the sofa. </p>
<p>“Soon? Shit, Steve, what if she doesn’t believe it’s me?”</p>
<p>Steve kissed him. “She’ll believe it.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Written for square U2 of my Bucky Barnes Bingo 2021 card: BINGO #3!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had started with a letter to Becca from Steve, asking if it would be okay if he brought someone to visit. She agreed, berating Steve for not trying harder to find her. It made them both laugh to read it. </p>
<p>“She was always nagging about something,” Bucky said, laughing through his tears. Steve, his own eyes shining, had kissed them away. </p>
<p>But now Bucky was standing outside her room while Steve went in, flowers in hand. </p>
<p>“Steve Rogers!” Becca cried out, her voice as strident as it had been when she was young, and Bucky only just managed to hold back tears. “Or should I say Captain America?”</p>
<p>“Aww, c’mon, Becca,” Steve whined. “Don’t start.”</p>
<p>“Well. You did us proud, Steve. It’s a shame we didn’t get you back after the war, but you’re here now.”</p>
<p>“I’m not the only one, Becca.”</p>
<p>There was a moment of silence. Then Bucky heard Becca audibly swallow. </p>
<p>“Steve… You don’t mean…”</p>
<p>Steve must have nodded, because Becca began to cry. </p>
<p>“Is he here?”</p>
<p>Bucky poked his head around the door, looking in. It was her—it was his baby sister, wrinkled and gray-haired but still her. He strode across the room, dropping the flowers as he fell to his knees in front of her, burying his face on her knees and weeping. </p>
<p>“Becca, I’m so sorry,” he managed between gulping sobs. “I’m so, so sorry.”</p>
<p>“Why, big brother? You came back…” She swallowed again. “That’s all that matters. I don’t care how, or why.”</p>
<p>He looked up at her, his eyes blurred with tears that were mirrored in her own. “I wish I could have been there…”</p>
<p>She ran her hand soothingly through his hair. “You need a haircut,” she said, and he choked out a laugh. </p>
<p>“I guess I do.”</p>
<p>“So tell me everything about your lives! And don’t think you’re getting away without seeing my photograph album. You have nieces and a nephew—and great nieces and nephews—and they’re all going to want to meet you.”</p>
<p>He and Steve sat next to each other in the visitor chairs, and Steve took Bucky’s hand. Becca laughed. </p>
<p>“Well, I can’t say I saw that coming, though I should’ve. You always were thick as thieves. Is this new, or…?”</p>
<p>Bucky shook his head. “No. Even before the war.”</p>
<p>Becca smiled sadly. “But of course you couldn’t have been out then. My grandson Jake, he’s what they call bisexual. He worried about telling me, poor boy, but I told him what I’ll tell you. I’m proud of you for looking for real love wherever you can, because love is the most important thing in the world. And for you two to have found it in each other, well. That’s really something.”</p>
<p>Bucky blinked back another wave of tears. “Thanks, Becc. That means so much.”</p>
<p>Becca nodded. “Now. Hand me that photograph album from that shelf, and let me talk you through the family.”</p>
<p>Bucky got up to fetch the album, his heart full. His baby sister was there. He still had family. </p>
<p>The 21st century was turning out to be alright.</p>
  </div></div>
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